Jokes

[DeletedUser]

I was browsing my email. Found a joke. And decided to make a section about jokes. I might keep updating this. If it gets enough attention. The good kind. And if you guys like it, why not add to my reputation, and/or rate this thread 5 stars?

Spoiler: Pocket Taser Gun

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!\ I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taster, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative? SON-OF-A-B*TCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I sh*t on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

Sent from Dirty Jokes http://bit.ly/c7eBnB​

Spoiler: IRS Audits Grandpa

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time
employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm
not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a
demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can
bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three
grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully
and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that
stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on
the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a
major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me
he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand
dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that
you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!!

​

 

[DeletedUser]

Now this one, I got from an App I downloaded on my iPod Touch. It's got many jokes inside, categorized as well. I've copied everything, so took me a while. Hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

Spoiler: Dining Hall

1. Find two straws, preferably with wide tubes. Insert into your nostrils. Inhale your food.

2. Don't go to the dining hall. Live there and never leave. When people come in, harass for news of the outside world and tell them how the dining hall needs new ketchup.

3. Before eating, say grace. Punctuate by slamming your face into your food.

4. After obtaining your food, proceed to throw it out the nearest window. Turn to the person nearest to you and say, ‘Wow! Did you ever see [name of dish] fly like that before?’

5. Hide behind the milk dispenser. Moo every time someone gets milk.

6. Go up to the server and ask to see the chef. After he/she is introduced, request an off-the-menu meal consisting of lightly blackened escargot, a simmering seafood bisque, a delicately roasted rack of lamb in a basil cream sauce, and a tart but not sweet dessert of his/her own concoction. When he or she refuses, punch 'em and proceed to make this meal yourself.

7. After finishing your meal, look at your brand of china. Proceed to look at everyone else's, regardless of whether they're finished eating or not. Complain how the school is too cheap to buy some real Wedgewood china. Then dump your dishes and waste food in the trash and explain how it would be cheaper to buy new dishes than to wash the old ones.

8. During the meal, start a conversation about the innocence of Jeffrey Dahmer. Then look at everybody's limbs with a marked amount of interest. Then ‘involuntarily’ drool.

9. Stand in line for the food. After getting your food, smear it over your body and return to the end of the line. Repeat.

10. (For hot meals only.) Complain how cold it is in the dining hall. Then remark specifically how much you're freezing your ass off. Strip down and sit on your food let out a loud sigh.

11. Instead of getting a fork, knife, and spoon, get three spoons. Cut your meat with them and pretend not to notice.

12. Do not to use glasses. Anytime you feel like having a drink, go up to the liquid dispenser, wrap your mouth around it, and press the button. Complain that it goes too fast.

13. If you feel gassy, burp (or fart) to the tune of Jingle Bells.

14. Stand next to the salad bar. Every time someone reaches for some food, yell, ‘HEY!’ and shake your head.

15. Remark on how the food's sanitation is open to question. Recall the time you saw the chef blow snot rocks into the food ‘for seasoning.’ Ask the person next to you to be your Food Tester.

16. Enter the dining hall naked. If you're not immediately removed from the premises, sit next to someone eating. Ask him or her how they're enjoying their meal.

17. Ask how the lettuce was killed. After the initial pause of confusion, shake your head angrily and yell, ‘What about vegetables?! Don't they have rights too?!’

18. Grab a big handful of whatever it is you're eating and shove it into your neighbor's face. Offer him or her a bite.

19. Get your food and sit down. Count out loud the number of grains of rice you received, starting again every once in a while. When you're done, go up to the server and tell him or her how you were cheated out of 8 grains and proceed to make a scene.

20. Same as above, but with burgers.

21. When they're not looking, empty your bladder into an empty glass. Show contents to everyone and say, ‘This apple juice tastes funny. Here. Try some.’

22. Every time someone takes a bite of their food, laugh uncontrollably. Stop suddenly and warn everyone not to laugh. Then take a bite of yours while giving everyone an evil eye.

23. Get a friend. Practice weightlifting tables. If people complain, weight lift them.

24. Get some clean plates and empty glasses. Sit down and stare them down.

25. During the meal, yell out, ‘Oh my God! It's still alive!’ Grab your knife and start hacking at the meat.

26. Dress in clothes with lots of pockets. When you're in the dining hall, stuff them with all the food you can find. Waddle out of the dining hall, but on the way out, remark how the dining hall never has enough food.

27. Practice snarfing.

28. Shortly after your meal, complain how the dining hall always serves the same food. Then stick your finger down your throat and proceed to vomit back on your plate. Start eating (or drinking) again, and say, ‘It doesn't taste quite right the second time.’

29. Bring insects and small rodents. Release.

30. Dress in a toga. After getting your food, find a comfortable place to recline. Throw your utensils on the floor and start eating Romantically. Explain how you never should have trusted that Brutus guy.

31. Switch the label on skim milk with the one on whole milk.

32. Yell to someone walking by, ‘I'll take two hot dogs, and my son will have some peanuts.’

33. After getting all your food, sit down. Start arranging your food alphabetically, from left to right. Ask the person next to you whether you should put orange juice under ‘o’ or ‘j.’

34. Bring in a television and VCR. Set it up to play ‘Faces of Death.’ Eat avidly as you describe each screen to everyone. Embellish. Don't be afraid to speak while your mouth is full.

35. Get a large container and fill it with milk. Pour its contents into the cereal dispenser. Dispense cereal. Complain about how you always get too much milk.

36. Go up to someone you don't know and say, ‘Can I toast your buns?’

37. Talk to your food. Tell it to quit complaining or else you'll chew more.

38. Find and remove all the green Froot Loops from the cereal dispenser. Then announce to everyone that you're charging a nickel for each green Froot Loop. If they refuse, tell them that they're not REAL Froot Loop eaters. Proceed to crush the green Froot Loops and sniff them.

39. Stand where everyone empties their trays. Offer to eat everything unfinished.

40. ‘Pass the pepper and salt, please.’

41. Dress up in coat and tie. Find a table where everyone's done eating. Inform them of the daily special desserts and take their orders.

42. Try to pick up members of the opposite sex. For Men: ‘I've got a large, hard banana. Wanna piece?’ For Women: ‘I've got a moist, wet fruit cake (or cherry). Wanna indulge?’

43. During the meal, tell about the time you beat a boulder to death with your pet turtle.

44.Find a full table. Ask, ‘Is anyone sitting under there?’ Proceed to eat beneath the table. Ask for amenities such as napkins and ketchup. Comment on how nice everyone's shoes look.

45.If sitting with someone with whom you're romantically interested, complain how the setting isn't very romantic. Apologize. Then give a look of resolve and proceed to smash all the lights in the dining hall. Sit back down and remove the shattered glass from your partner's food.

46. Bring in a cordless or cellular phone. Order pizza.

47. During the meal, complain how constipated you've been recently. Then pause for two minutes, occasionally moaning. Smile. Then ask for some napkins. Use them as toilet paper.

48. Same as above, except with pita pockets instead of napkins.

49. If you're have Swedish meatballs, pretend that they taste bad. Then say, ‘These pigs testicles were better in El Salvador.’ And, to thoroughly confuse people...

50. Comment on how GOOD the food is!

Spoiler: Computer Lab

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream ‘Oh my God! They’ve found me!’ and bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can’t get the damn thing to work. After he/she’s turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it’s set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the ‘Smurfs’ theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.

7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don’t know.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don’t use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say ‘Just in case…’ mysteriously.

12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they’re crazy while typing.

14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, ‘Oops, I forgot.’

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray ‘Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease,’ and scream ‘YES!’ when it finishes.

17. ‘DISK FIGHT!!!’

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you ‘It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new Friends’.

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If you’re sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing ‘The Lion Sleeps Tonight’ whenever there is processing time required.

21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it doesn’t work, get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done ‘two days later’ say that all you wanted was one line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Grinds some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.

27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor’s keyboard as you leave.

28. Put a large, gold framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

31. Laugh hysterically, shout ‘You will all perish in flames!!!’ and continue working.

32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

33. Assign a musical note to every key ‘i.e.. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.’. Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

34. Attempt to eat your computer’s mouse.

35. Borrow someone else’s keyboard by reaching over, saying ‘Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?’, unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.

38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing ‘You can hit the space bar so your fill isn’t affected’. Then look at your neighbor’s keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: ‘Does *your* delete key work?’ Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you’ve deleted about a page of your neighbor’s document. Then, suddenly exclaim: ‘Well, whaddya know? I’ve been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn’t deleting! Ha!’ Print out your document and leave.

40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. ‘For special effects, put some Elmer’s Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.’

41. Stare at the person’s next to your’s screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say ‘You did that?’ loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell ‘COVEEEEERRRRRR!’ peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. ‘Oh, good. It worked this time,’ and calmly start to type again.

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44. See who’s online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you’ve known them all your lives. Hang-up before they get a chance to figure out you’re a total stranger.

45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it’s the computer and look really lost.

46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn’t work.

47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim ‘You’re such a marvel!!’, and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.

48. Run into the computer lab, shout ‘Armageddon is here!!!!!’, then calmly sit down and begin to type.

49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, ‘Give me that computer or you’ll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week’.

50. Two words: Tesla Coil

Spoiler: Teacher

1. Brush your teeth during class. While doing so, raise your hand as if you have a question, and mumble your question incoherantly while brushing, spewing toothpaste all over the place. If your professor objects to your actions, go on a tirade about proper oral hygiene.

2. Sit way at the back of the room, up against the wall, to get as far away from your professor as possible. While he/she is lecturing, shout out things like,'What!?' and 'Speak up! You're mumbling!' If your professor advises you to sit closer to the front, tell him/her you can't because you're scouting the room for 'assassins.'

3. If you have an early morning class, get there before anyone else, and bring a pillow, some blankets, an air mattress, and an alarm clock. Wear your pajamas. Lie down on the air mattress with the pillow and the blankets and act like you're asleep. Have the alarm set for about two minutes into class. When it goes off, preferably very loudly, hit the 'snooze' button and go back to sleep. Keep doing so for the duration of the class.

4. Dispute everything your professor says, no matter how simple. Try to get him/her to 'prove' everything to you. Rant and rave about what a big liar your professor is. Yell at students who are taking notes, saying, 'Stop writing down all these lies!'

5. Show up to class about ten minutes late. Ride into the room on a bicycle, yell, 'Look out!', and crash into the blackboard. Get up, take a seat, and act like nothing happened. Do this every day.

6. Keep 'accidentally' setting fires at your desk. Burn notebooks, papers, or whatever you have handy. Whenever you start a fire, no matter how small it is, start yelling, 'Fire! Fire!' and run out of the room in a panic. Don't return for the rest of class.

7. Hide somewhere inside the classroom. Wait for your professor to take attendance. Don't come out when he/she calls your name. Halfway through class, jump out and yell, 'Just kidding! I'm here! Fooled you again!' Sit down and be quiet for the rest of class.

8. Wrap yourself in bandages and come to class in a wheelchair. Throughout class, cry a lot and moan things like, 'Why me?' and 'Please kill me!' Get up during class, like your going to miraculously start walking. Instead, fall down, cry out in pain, and wait for someone to help you back up. When class is over, say, 'I feel better now,' leap up, and run home.

9. Come to class with a jar full of angry hornets. Five minutes into class, release the hornets, scream, and run away.

10. Bring a vacuum to class. Halfway through class, stand up and start using it. If your professor objects, explain that you 'can't stand sitting in this pigsty any longer.' Keep vacuuming, grumbling angrily.

11. Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand, and when you're called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look at the cactus, as if you're waiting for it to say something. After a few moments, shrug, and wait for your professor to move on. Do this once a day, and become increasingly irritated with the cactus every time, sighing heavily and giving it evil looks when it fails to 'speak.' When you leave the room after class, start yelling at the cactus, 'I can't believe you embarrassed me AGAIN....'

12. Every time your professor stutters, do a shot. If he/she objects, explain that drinking games make the class more interesting.

13. When your professor gives you a syllabus, take it home, correct it, give it a grade, and return it to the professor. Demand extra credit.

14. Come to class every day wearing scary Halloween masks. Try to get your professor to guess who you are. Shoot him/her with a water pistol, scream, and run around the room knocking things over. Say, 'Pretty scary, huh?'

15. Get the whole class to show up a few minutes early, and throw a surprise party for your professor. Insist that you can't start class until he/she has a piece of cake. Keep asking people when the strippers are going to arrive.

16. Instead of taking notes, do an abstract painting during every class. Call the paintings things like, 'Professor Acting Like Mr. Know-It-All' or 'Idiot Who Doesn't Know What The Hell He's Talking About.' Give the paintings to your professor as gifts.

17. Wait for your professor to mention a date, and then yell out, 'Bingo!' Apologize, and explain that you got confused.

18. Carve a bust of your professor out of cheese. Tie a ribbon around it, and present it to him/her at the beginning of class. Demand extra credit.

19. Write your professor a note that says, 'I'm going to be about 15 minutes late. Go ahead and start without me.' Wait outside the building until the time when class is supposed to begin. Tie the note to a rock, and throw it through the window.

20. Write down everything that your professor says, word for word. Think up a melody, and turn the words into a song. Bring a guitar to class and perform the song for the class. Explain to your professor that he/she is 'very inspiring.'

21. Get a monkey, and bring it to class with you. Tell your professor that you've hired the monkey to take notes for you. Sit back and relax during class, letting the monkey scribble on a piece of paper. When it comes time to write a paper or take a test, write down things like, 'I wish I had a banana' and 'I miss my tire swing.' Assuming you get a bad grade, angrily fire the monkey in front of your professor.

22. When you have to write a paper, get it done early and mail it to your professor's house. From then on, don't hand anything in, and blame it on the sluggishness of the U.S. Postal Service.

23. Tell your professor that you'd like to interview him/her for a writing class. Get him/her to tell you his/her life story. Act interested, and write down everything he/she says. Fabricate a few romantic interludes and turn your efforts into a trashy romance novel. Make copies for the entire class, and your professor. Demand extra credit.

24. Draw hearts and flowers on the backs of your papers and tests. Next to them, write things like, 'You're the best, even though you suck' and 'You're the worst professor in the world, but I still love you.'

25. Start asking questions in a fake foreign language. Act like your professor is stupid for not being able to understand you. Get other people in the class to start speaking the fake language too, and have frequent discussions during class. Act like you're really interested in what you're discussing. If your professor tries to interrupt or stop you, act annoyed and motion for him/her to quiet down.

​

 

[DeletedUser]

Spoiler: Roommate

1. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave ‘Slim Jim’ wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers say you know nothing about them.

2. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning.

3. Every time your roommate walks in yell, ‘Hooray! You're back!’ as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, ‘Shouldn't you be going somewhere?’

4. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, ‘Uh oh, it looks like, THEY, were here again.’

5. Every time you see your roommate yell, ‘You son of a...’ and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.

6. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been watching too much ‘Beavis & Butthead.’ Do it again. Tell him/her that you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it.

7. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.

8. Eat lots of ‘Lucky Charms.’ Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the consequences.

9. Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the same.

10. Drink a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.

11. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.

12. Every time you wake up, start yelling, ‘Oh, my God! Where the hell am I?!’ and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about.

13. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, ‘It's spreading, it's spreading.’

14. Buy a McDonald's ‘Happy Meal’ for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.

15. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, ‘I can't live in the same room with you,’ storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.

16. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.

17. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.

18. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, ‘Soon, soon....’

19. Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back and tries to unlock it, yell, ‘Don't come in, I'm naked!’ Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.

20. Bring in potential ‘new’ roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, ‘Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much longer.’

21. If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, ‘Ungrateful little...’

22. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they got there.

23. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

24. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously ‘recover.’ Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, ‘Oooh, are you dying?’

25. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, ‘Okay, your turn.’

26. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, ‘Oh, he's around here somewhere.’

27. Tell your roommate, 'I've got an important message for you.' Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, ‘Oh, yeah, I remember!’ Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.

28. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.

29. Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking backwards again.

30. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

31. Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she hurt its feelings. Watch T.V with the pig, eating lots of bacon.

32. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, ‘Hey, where the hell is my sandwich!?’ Complain loudly that you are hungry.

33. Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the poor picture quality.

34. Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again.

35. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, ‘He just didn't belong.’

36. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this rocess for several weeks.

37. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that ‘It's a jungle out there.’ Get your roommate to bring you food and water.

38. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, ‘Psst! Is it gone?’

39. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.

40. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bull's eye.

41. Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, ‘I'm sorry. It won't happen again.’ When you see them, start ripping up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.

42. Call your roommate ‘Clyde’ by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him ‘Clyde’ all the time. If your roommate protests, say, ‘I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray.’

43. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.

44. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.

45. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, ‘Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!’ Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.

46. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, ‘That was your mom. She said she'd call back.’

47. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, ‘Okay, guys, you can come out now.’

48. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, ‘What the hell do you think you are? A king?’

49. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say, ‘I think this game goes a lot faster with two players.’

50. Talk back to your ‘Rice Krispies.’ All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, ‘No, I want to watch them suffer.’

51. Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.

52. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, ‘Well, it was fun while it lasted.’

53. Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey.

54. Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.

55. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his side of the room. Insist that he remove all of his possessions immediately.

56. Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide, blood donor, organ donor).

57. Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim that he/she has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.

58. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt.

59. Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were trying to kill a mosquito.

60. Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans to your roommate.

61. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.

62. Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, ‘Don't do that.’

63. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.

64. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your roommate protests, say, ‘The people have a right to know!’

65. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, ‘It had to be done.’

66. Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. (‘Frank Johnson! Oh, wow! 837 9494! Holy cow!’)

67. Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't box with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her shadow.

68. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, ‘Oh, you're here!’ Walk away yelling and cursing.

69. Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.

70. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.

71. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, ‘Don't worry. It's not what you think.’ If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject.

72. Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.

73. Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, ‘Damn road runner....’

74. Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, ‘I know what you did,’ and ‘Don't think you can fool me.’ Sign them in blood.

75. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.

76. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to have a conversation.

77. Talk like a pirate, all the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk the plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!

78. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, ‘We'll continue this later,’ while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.

79. Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.

80. Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms that they're stupid and they don't know what they're talking about.

81. Watch ‘Psycho’ every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.

82. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, ‘Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your... Oh, it's just you.’ Take off the hat, sit, and pout.

83. Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn't take it anymore.

84. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners.

85. Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages. When you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter, ‘Stupid horseshoe....’

86. Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been staring at it. Confide in your roommate that you really don't like the jack-o-lantern, but you can't convince it to move out.

87. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.

88. Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator has been taking steroids.

89. Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.

90. Late at night, start conversations that begin with, ‘Remember the good old days, when we used to...’ and make up stories involving you and your roommate.

91. Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about and hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.

92. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, ‘Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to be.’

93. Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going to be an earthquake, soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When he/she returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only one side of the room.

94. Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a band-aid on your forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again.

95. Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.

96. Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day. Complain to your roommate that your ‘pancake farm’ isn't evolving into a self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes.

97.While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage can fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your roommate objects, explain that you are just trying to get even.

98. Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall.

99. Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.

100. Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they're for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman's teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.

Spoiler: Trick-Or-Treaters

1. Give away something other than candy. ‘Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.’

2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, ‘Trick or Treat!’ Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.

3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, ‘Top Secret’ in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, ‘It’s about time you got here,’ give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.

4.Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, ‘Come in.’ When they do, have everyone yell, ‘Surprise!!!’ Act like it’s a surprise party.

5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what’s wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural ‘whirring’ sound.

6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don’t move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.

8. When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the street, and yell, ‘Crawl for it!’

9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away.

10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.

11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.

12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.

13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.

14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.

15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.

16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M&M’s and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don’t have any candy.

18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.

19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.

20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you’re finished.

 

[DeletedUser]

I don't have any written jokes yet. But I do have these pictures. Enjoy. Remember, if you want more, rate this thread 5 stars.

Spoiler: Picture Collection

1.

Spoiler: Dog, or Spouse?

2.

Spoiler: That Candy Bar Has Your Name On It

3.

Spoiler: I Bet You

4.

Spoiler: Challenge Accepted

5.

Spoiler: Inception

6.

Spoiler: IT HAPPENED TO ME TOO!

7.

Spoiler: Boob-Staring if Good For Men

8.(Sexual)

Spoiler: How to D!ck-Knob Someone

9.

Spoiler: God Will Forgive You

10.

Spoiler: And He Can Do Tricks Too...